My future involves Fries and a Shake!

Okay, so now something other than my phone. My boy... First off let’s start by saying that I love him. A lot in fact. I think he is funny, and smart, and amazing, and all around a great guy. He helps out with everything, thinks of others and is considerate of them, he’s sweet, he’s a good kisser, he gives the best hugs, heck, even the sex is good. He has a nice truck, he’s smart with his money, he’s frugal, he’s independent. He’s even neat and tidy like me, he makes his bed every morning, likes things to be clean up and organized. His closet and everything is like mine, he’s smart about shredding stuff he should, and protecting his passwords and identity and whatnot. He’s really well rounded, and just plain wonderful. This isn’t to say he’s perfect, but he might just be perfect for me.

Now that you know how I feel about him, now for the downside. This is going to sound weird, but he’s 6 years older than I am. He’s 27. Which is fine, I have no problem with older guys, heck I’d have to say I like it. But, he dated a girl for 2 1/2 years, and never seemed to want to move to the married stage. Which I can understand, because not everyone in the world was raised in a mormon world where you get married after dating under a year. But I can’t help but wonder if he just doesn’t want to get married, or if he has a fear of commitment or what? Although I couldn’t be happier they didn’t work out because now I get to date him. But..., and there’s always a but right? We talk about the future a fair amount, and he says things like he’d be willing to move with me somewhere, like Chicago or New York, if I wanted to do grad school. But when I was telling him about a conversation I had with my friend Rachel, about what I wanted to do after graduation, and I told him about saying that it depended on him, he said not to base things on him. It was awkward, because it was like... isn’t that what him and I have talked about a fair amount lately anyway? So is he trying to say that he’s decided I have a pull date? or that he’s not sure he wants to be with me that long? How am I supposed to take that?

I realize that I’m over analyzing things. I know that. I’m a girl though, so I’m allowed sometimes right? So he pretty much confuses me all the time. Yesterday I was thinking that maybe, him and I should break up. I don’t feel like I’m good enough for him. I want to be with him, to be honest I want to be with him for a very long time, like... I don’t know maybe forever? But it seems like I bore him, and like I’m not good enough for him. Weird right? Sometimes I think I’m just way too insecure to have a boyfriend. Or at least to have one that doesn’t worship me. I’m laughing right now, because he’s one of the first guys that doesn’t worship me and think I’m like the greatest thing since sliced bread. It’s weird, I’m all jealous, and worried about losing him all the time.

Alright, as much as he fills my mind a large amount of the time, I think I need to move onto a new subject. Running? I love running. I really do. But my guy and I spend a fair amount of time together, and I don’t like running with other people. He’s always like, let’s go jogging, and I’m like uh... maybe, when really I want to say, okay let’s go to the Burke-Gilman trail and you can run one way, and I’ll run the other way, then we can meet back here when we’re done. Also, running seems to make my hips hurt more, so it makes me worried about running more. On top of that, I hate having to make up lost ground, and the last three or four weeks I haven’t ran at all, and I know I won’t be able to run the hour I’m used to running. That makes me depressed, and I’m scared if I start running again, I’ll have to start from square one, which sucks. Square one, is not being able to run a mile. Ugh. That would make me cry, if this headache doesn’t first.

I really want to get a Master’s in Disability Studies. Problem, there’s only like 5 programs in North America, and two of them are in Canada. I don’t know about you, but even me, who celebrates boxing day, and is 1/4 Canadian, doesn’t feel like going to Canada for a year or two. Really... eh? Yeah, not this time.

Wow, pause for a moment. I think I’m going to pass out. I’m in class and everything just changed colors and started to get dark. If I pass out, that’s going to be very embarrassing. Like, really embarrassing, more so because my boyfriends roommate is sitting two rows in front of me. Crap.

Back to grad school. Like I said, I really want to go. One of my best friends is Belgian and she’s planning on going to grad school in Europe, and she told me to check out European schools, especially in the U.K., which sounds like a good idea. One problem with that, sure I can convince the boy to go to the opposite side of the country, but what about not only a whole new country, but an entirely different continent? (I need to stop calling him my boy, he’s 27 for goodness sakes). so that poses a slight problem for me. Secondly, can I even get in? And if I can, why don’t I just go to a U.S. school I can get into? Oh wait, I don’t think I can get in. Suck. Oh, and would I rather go into law and then work as a Disability Rights lawyer? Is that even a possibility? This whole thing is so confusing and stressful. I hate being driven. If I didn’t constantly want to better myself, this would be a whole lot easier. ((Another thing I really like about my guy, (See, I used guy instead of boy), is that he wouldn’t be happy with his job, he’d always be wanting to move up)). You know, all this blogging and whining, and I’m still no closer to knowing what the crap is in store for my future. I hate this, like a lot.
New thing... So I just talked to my guy, and it was like... ugh. He says marriage is a sour subject... What in the hell does that mean... ? Do I want to know? or do I just want to ignore that and continue living a happy life? If I thought I was confused before, I’m definitely confused now.

Oh, and if you couldn't tell, I'm switching blog sites, and so these are older ones I hadn't posted yet.